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Der Gothmann: The Humanoid Boogie

It's full of Humanoid Rock'n'Roll.

Monthly Archives: December 2010

Well worth the wait, is the recipe I present today.  This is ideal for the deep winter, especially if you happen to inhabit the temperate areas close to the Arctic Circle, like, say, British Columbia.

Served up for dinner with sautéed potatoes, honey roasted carrots and some crispy garlic baguette.


Serves 3-4

You will require:

500g minced pork

2 medium sized eggs

2 slices of bread

Splash of milk

1 red pepper

Approximately 100g  of mushrooms

Pinch of chilli powder

2 garlic cloves

6 slices of bacon


Mixed herbs


  • Remove the crusts from the bread and dice into small squares.
  • Mix eggs with milk in a bowl and add the bread squares.
  • Dice the pepper and fry gently in a little oil.
  • Dice mushrooms finely and fry in a separate pan
  • Finely chop garlic and add to mushrooms when nearly cooked. Fry on med/low for a few minutes.
  • Once both pepper and mushrooms are cooked, set aside to cool slightly.
  • Mash up bread, egg and milk mixture with a fork.
  • Mix mince, pepper, mushroom, bread mixture, chilli powder and mixed herbs thoroughly in a bowl.
  • Rub a little oil all over a loaf tin. Line with slices of bacon, thinnest part at the bottom, allowing the fat part to hang over the edge of the tin.
  • Spoon the mince mixture into the bowl and press firmly.
  • Wrap the loose bacon over the top of the loaf.
  • Put in centre of a preheated oven at gas mark 4.
  • After an hour, remove the meatloaf and drain the excess oil.
  • Put the tin back in at gas mark 5 for half an hour.
  • Turn out onto a plate and allow to rest for five minutes.
  • Slice, serve.
  • Eat it bitches.

Once removed from the tin, It should look something like this:

The finished article.


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Who here has been watching Misfits on the television?

Watch this program. Do it. There is no excuse.

Undoubtedly, the best example of what would happen to real people if involved in a collision with super-powers.  Let us face the facts.  If you were involved in a magical accident that left you with an unusual superpower, you would, invariably, use it to be a dick to the people you hate.

Telekenisis?  I would psychically throw a nun into a moving truck.

Super-strength?  I would physically throw a nun into a moving truck.

Invisibility?  Sneak up and punch a nun into a moving truck.

All this really amounts to is, people trying to be more polite, in case of mystical repercussions, and a great many more nun pavlovas.  In fact, this is a marvellous solution to the problem with religion.  Give human beings magical super-powers!  People wouldn’t have the time to fear divine retribution, for fear of immediate, magical human retribution.

I certainly know of one or two ex-partners I would be happy to punish in excruciatingly embarrassing ways.

I wonder who amongst us would really use their powers to make changes for the better in the world?

To be honest, I would, but not selflessly and not singularly.

For example, I may well sneak into the houses of our “lords and masters” and slaughter them with glee.  I may also rob a security van as was depicted in the show to support my retributive murder.

Seriously, the ability to render myself invisible at will would prompt some serious execution.

As Cameron and Obama are nothing but useless figureheads, they might as well live in fear, but live.  They can seve to warn people.  Definitely going to waste the Bilderberg party, their pseudo-communist plan for the world serves to frighten the bejesus out of anyone with the sense to see it.

As there is no force of law anyone is willing to enact upon the state, we would have to resort to the old will-to-power scenario.

I think that super-powers are the best way to move forward on the front of international revolution.

Such a shame, is it, that we are unable to acquire said abilities.  As it stands, it looks as though we must exert our will-to-power coups in a distinctly vulnerable and human way.

Come on people, can’t we just take up arms and smash the absurd paradigms of this evil establishment?

I will give you free cookies if you help – yes?

Oh, arsebiscuits…

Back to fantasies of superpowers, and secret, style stealthy murder… Thief II style.


Yes, I said Thief.

Fuck you Hitman.

Fuck you good.



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“The whole of nature is a conjugation of the verb “to eat”, in the active, and the passive.”

Michael Pollan


To start off, I have a simple one for you.  It makes a remarkably suitable meal for all of the year, and is nice and easy on the brain and the palette.


It will look something like this, but not exactly, because this is Carbonara.

Serves 2-3

You will require:

1 large red pepper,

6 rashers of bacon, (any kind,)

1 small tub of cream-cheese, (approx 200g,)

300g of pasta, (any kind,)

100ml milk,

salt and pepper to taste.




  • Dice the bacon and the pepper, and set to one side in separate bowls.
  • Fill a pan with enough water to cook the pasta, and begin to bring to the boil.
  • While the water is heating, oil a frying pan and bring to a medium-high heat.
  • Add the bacon to the frying pan and stir – only – until no-longer raw.
  • Strain any fluid from the bacon, and wipe the frying pan.
  • Re-oil the pan and place the bacon in it once more, cooking on a high temperature, until crispy.
  • Once the bacon is cooked, put it in a bowl and set it to one side .
  • Add the pasta to the now-boiling water, (once the water returns to the boil, reduce heat slightly.)
  • While the pasta is cooking, add the pepper to the frying pan, and fry on a medium heat until softened.
  • Add the bacon back to the frying pan and mix it, together with the pepper.
  • Add the cream-cheese to the bacon and pepper a little at a time, until smooth and fully mixed.
  • To prevent the consistency becoming tacky, add the milk slowly, and mix well.
  • While mixing, season with salt and pepper to taste.
  • Remove the cooked pasta from the heat, and drain, replacing the pasta in the pan afterwards.
  • Add the bacon, pepper, and cream-cheese sauce to the pasta and mix thoroughly.
  • Serve.
  • Eat it, Bitches.

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Back to bloody, bloody paranoia about snow again.


Has anyone seen “Dead Snow“?


A couple of days ago, the snow came down.  It came down like the Berlin wall.

My partner and I were babysitting, and I thought it would be a nice idea if we had fish and chips for dinner, once the smaller humans had gone to sleep.  I left the house to get supper, and the roads were clear.  When I returned, there was over three inches of light snow covering the road like an overexcited infant had rushed through plastering everything in paper mache.  The thing is, the chip shop was next door to the house we were staying in, and I was only absent for fifteen minutes.

I had nearly an inch of snow settling on the top of my hat on the thirty-second walk back.

Last time there was a heavy snow here, in the UK, nation-wide weather warnings and paranoid news readings puffed at us about how very dangerous it was out there.  There were even some risible CCTV clips on the news, depicting some hapless people slipping over and hurting themselves just to emphasise to the silly people out there in the world that you can hurt yourself if you don’t watch what you’re doing.

I’m sure we are aware of that fact.  Thank-you for your implied concern, but as foolish as the population is when it comes to things like politics and when not to put your faith in an institution which is decidedly intent on removing the “money” from your bank account, surely we have enough common sense left to work out that when there is snow and ice on the street, caution must be taken to prevent injury?

Oh, and don’t forget to wrap up warm this winter!

How else are we meant to stave off the effects of the freezing cold anyway?  Stay indoors, but rather than put the heating on, wear a jumper or build a fire, (in the fireplace, I may add;  fire is dangerous too, you see,) we should writhe around naked on the floor, like an orgy of knobbly, pink snakes to keep our body heat in?


The more you decide you should spell things out for people, the less likely they are to think for themselves!  Why is the world always waiting for someone in the “government” to tell them what to do?  Take some initiative for once!

To some, this may feel like I’m stating the obvious, but I know so many people to whom “common sense” means very little.  These are the same stamp of people who think that “irony” means “sort-of-like iron”.

We know what snow and ice portends.  We know that driving without care in sub-zero conditions can be lethal.  Those who genuinely haven’t got a clue probably shouldn’t be allowed to hang around in the gene-pool anyway.


You know what?

After a little time spent thinking about it, the concept of writhing about with a whole bunch of naked people, having an orgy for warmth and survival is starting to have an increasing appeal for me…



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