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Der Gothmann: The Humanoid Boogie

It's full of Humanoid Rock'n'Roll.

Monthly Archives: October 2010

Before we start:

FUCK.

So, by writing a profanity in big, clear letters and giving you all a big, fat link, I have already set the tone from here on in, (so nobody should be surprised about it,) and used it to link the title a little more obviously to the subject-matter, (albeit, a bit lazily.)

Okay, so as you may have guessed by the title of the entry, your sound-byte for the week is:

I was tired of shouting at the internet, and decided to start shouting through the internet.”

While being wrong in nearly every particular, it serves as a very handy contraction of:

I was tired of being aggravated by nearly everything I see and hear; I was tired of shouting at the internet and frightening all the other human beings in the room with a sudden, explosive bout of furious, spittle soaked mania, and so I finally decided to start my own web-journal, where I can stem my maniacal spraying and edit it, so that it appears witty and introspective, and all the other disgruntled misanthropes on the world-wide-web can see me shouting through the medium of pixelated text and shout along in tandem like a big, furious, spittle-soaked internet Rocky Horror.”

Needless to say, the contracted sound-byte rolls off the tongue much better than the truth. In my experience, however, this is fundamentally true of every sound-byte.

Well, readers, (and by this, I probably mean only my close friends and family at the time of publication – in which case, Hi Dad!  Everyone else will have the chance to catch up once I am disgustingly wealthy and own you,) I’m certain we’re all in for a jolly old roller-coaster of a time, as I angrily pick-apart whatever happens to be irking me each week, while making some witty socio-political commentary, (with any luck, I may even be able to make the two connect in the middle.)

I am banking on the fact that at least somebody will be interested in reading the complaints and speculations of a marginally unhinged man with a fabulous beard. Hundreds of thousands of people tune in to watch Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw‘s Zero Punctuation every week, Charlie Brooker is making an increasingly comfortable living from complaining and, though he has no beard, he surely is an inspiration to us all.

As I started this post on a loquaciously provocative note, I will make language the first subject.

Language, the use of language and punctuation is very important to me. I try at all times to be as correct as possible when speaking, and particularly when writing. Perhaps I am part of a dwindling community of individuals who get genuinely annoyed when an apostrophe is completely out of place, even on professionally edited documents and similar items. Read the back of a DVD box, and almost half of the time, you will find an apostrophe somewhere it doesn’t live.

I find “text speak” perfectly acceptable when used in a text, as there is only a limited amount of permissible characters available to each message, but finding it anywhere else that does not force you to be linguistically economical gets my fucking back up.

It really does.

Half of the time, it doesn’t even warrant the excuse of lazy typing! Writing “like” as “lyk” does not save time or effort, and writing “later” as “l8r” should be met with corporal punishment. Every time someone leaves a note for someone else along the lines of: “kk I wil b at teh prk l8r brng teh beer n we wl prT lyk mad”, I believe the pencil should turn on its wielder and stab them repeatedly in the face.

I find it difficult to even follow what has been written sometimes. For example, if I were to take a rather nicely written passage by Edgar Allen Poe like this one:

You have conquered, and I yield. Yet, henceforward art thou also dead — dead to the World, to Heaven and to Hope! In me didst thou exist — and, in my death, see by this image, which is thine own, how utterly thou hast murdered thyself”,

and converted it to contracted text speak, it would read thus:

U HV CNQRD AND I YEELD. YT HNCFRD ART THOU ALS DED DED 2 TH WRLD 2 HEVN N 2 HP IN ME DDST THOU EXST N IN MY DETH SEE BY THS IMG WHCH IS THN OWN HW UTTRLY THOU HST MRDRD THYSLF.”

I find it upsetting to have to read this back to myself.

While it is a small mercy that converting the collected works of Edgar Allen Poe into text format is an idea which has failed to occur to the lazy-language populous, it frightens me how fast it is creeping into daily usage.  The entertainment industries, advertising agencies, and even government billboards are now purporting their usual torrent of un-digestible crap bigger, faster and in a repulsively disrespectful format.

Shame on you government, shame.  After all, you are normally such a staunch bastion of virtue and nurture…

Hold on a moment, I must take my pill.


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