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Der Gothmann: The Humanoid Boogie

It's full of Humanoid Rock'n'Roll.

The Humanoid Boogie has been re-instated and given a makeover.

The link to the new blog can be found below:

The Humanoid Boogie

Have fun all you lucky people.

I have come to a conclusion. Don’t look at me like that.  I can conclude things.

I am a fucking genius when it comes to concluding things! I have decided that now, here, sat in my dressing gown, would be an excellent time to dabble with illustrating my own posts.  At the point of decision, it seems that my graphics tablet is on the other side of my desk, and there is another chair where I should be sitting, because my girlfriend and I were playing Fallout: New Vegas not so long ago, and she likes to sit and watch me while I run around the Mojave wasteland murdering people.        

Well, I say ‘I’.  It isn’t really me per se.

I’m just sort of controlling an avatar representation of my girlfriend, and making it wander around the Mojave murdering people.

Did that picture make sense?

Bah, to hell with it.  You can work it out.

I will probably be trying out a couple of different styles to illustrate things.  Keep your eyes peeled and give me feedback mother-bitches.

I will eventually make a choice and probably stick with it.

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How many of you guys and dolls have had IBS as a symptom or a diagnosis?

Would you believe I couldn't find a single de-motivational poster about IBS that wasn't stupid or didn't have a cat with vomit stuck to it's face?

It has been a couple of weeks since I was diagnosed with a functional bowel disorder, resulting from over-anxiety about work and money, etceteras, and it has been a chronic ball-shrinking nuisance ever since.  It is not, as many might claim, a modern problem.  Apparently, the cause and treatment of IBS was discovered thousands of years ago by ayurveda, the “oldest health system known to man”.  Apparently, it was called “grahani dosha“.  I suspect the man who wrote the linked article of not getting his facts straight, and generally, being a pillock.

He claims that IBS, or “grahani dosha” can be “cured” by carefully adjusting to a natural diet and a balance of correct herbs and spices.
I claim that the man still doesn’t have his facts straight.  What he writes ‘cure’,  he clearly means ‘manage’, and when he writes ‘natural’, he clearly means ‘non-trigger foods’.  The funny thing is, your average modern doctor will recommend you also ‘manage’ your symptoms with careful adjustment of ‘non-trigger foods’, and on top of that, they will prescribe an anti-spasmodic and tell you that certain herbs, spices, peppermint and charcoal will probably ease or eliminate symptoms altogether.

In many cases, however, nothing will truly alleviate the problem, and you are left with a gut full of wind and a belly full of pain.  Some days I have to lay on my front with a hot water bottle under my stomach, trying not to scream or cry, because I know that I won’t bloody well stop if I start!

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So, be honest.

Who is at all surprised that the rapture didn’t happen?  Come on people, the first one to own up gets prescribed a coconut to head-butt until the onset of brain-death.

Oh boy, I do love winding up those zealots.

So what actually happened as a result of yesterday, and what can you do to deal with it?

1: Nothing exceptionally interesting occurred:

I know that where I live, the weather was a little indecisive.  ‘Will it keep raining, is the sun going to hang about?’ We all asked of our rapturous lord and saviour, but we never got anything but mixed signals.  It was rather windy all day, so perhaps we can interpret that as being a sign that Jesus was feeling a trifle uncomfortable?

I ate too much dairy.  My recent bout of stress-related IBS and associated functional bowel issues are remarkably irked by the over-consumption of milk products and non-soluble fibres.  It is, perhaps ironic, therefore, that today, I too am more than a trifle uncomfortable, and expect to remain windy all day.  Is this a sign from God?  Does it automatically equate me with Jesus himself?

My partner and I began watching ‘Eastwick‘.  It is rather enjoyable.  It does, however, clearly depict witchcraft being used in morally questionable scenarios, and obviously alludes to the presence of Lucifer hi’self.  Is that an omen?  Does this rather equate me with the Antichrist?

Most of all, I was not aware of anyone being summoned to heaven by the Lord.  Perhaps it’s because most of the Christians I know are Baptists or Church of England?  I don’t know, maybe it’s just because I wasn’t paying attention, but still, you would have thought that some bugger would have made it obvious to me if it was really happening.

2: What you can do to get through the embarrassment of not having a rapture when you expected one:

1.)  Claim that all of the miniature earthquakes and so-forth that have been occurring recently are, in-fact, a further warning (and the last one we’ll get, oh yes…) from God that he is unimpressed with the number of people who will be saved and he needs you all to send more money, pronto, to prove how very, very faithful you are.

2.)  Claim that the incredible zeal of the prayers sent by Harold Camping‘s bunch to postpone Judgement were not only heard, but granted – therefore proving that they are the only true faithful.

3.)  Claim that even God wants to see the photos of Osama Bin Laden‘s body

4.)  Claim that God is waiting for George Lucas to make up for his last 3 Star Wars films.

5.)  Claim that the Rapture is postponed until next week, so God can find out who is the next American Idol

6.)  Claim that the bottom of your Rapture ticket clearly states:  “Card Subject to Change

7.)  Claim that it did happen, and the only person found worthy was Randy “The Macho Man” Savage

8.)  Claim that the Heaven is in foreclosure

9.)  Claim that the God was not allowed to come to Earth without first showing his complete Birth Certificate or other proof of his existence, and when he gave them a Bible, those nasty militant baby-eating Atheists said that it was all just fairy-stories.

10)  Claim that Fred Phelps has not yet finished spreading God’s Will yet.  Once that is done, then everyone can have their blasted Rapture.

Alternatively, you can just do what this person did and claim that the Rapture will still happen and all this fuss was all a trick that Satan dun:
I mean, for goodness sake!
I need to go and have a lay-down now, on account of the stupid burning my head, and the lactose burning my bowels.
Fare thee well my little lambs.
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EDIT:
I do apologise for the absurd lack of formatting applied to this document.  No matter what I try, WordPress is intent on fucking it up every time I attempt to change and re-publish it.
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The first of a new breed is often exciting for those who discover it.  This breed is, as the title suggests, less formal and hopefully, more effective.  I will not likely be writing to a regular weekly schedule, as that is far too much like hard work.  Posts will appear as and when.

I did it myself.

So, so start with…

Christfuck, I have had a busy week.

Not that the craziness is at all likely to stop any time soon.  I am set to perform in a play tomorrow and the day after, and then I have about a fortnight before my University assessments.  Beyond that, I am to be thrown carelessly into the world of unemployment.  Hell, the likelihood of me finding a job in the next six months is frighteningly unfavourable, and pack of cock-gobbling twat-baskets who make up the UK government don’t give a flying fuck about anyone outside of their snotty list of snotty chums.

*Breathe*

*Breathe*

There is a word for this kind of situation, and it also applies to the kind of people in the government right now.

That word is cunt.

This situation is a massive cunt, and so is parliament.

Goodness me, what a magnificently satisfying word to say, shout and repeat when times get unbearable.  I have done so ad nauseum today, and it has proven absurdly lovely.

Only a short one today, so on that note, see you bitches later.

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You will all be pleased to know that I will soon be making a return to this God-forsaken blog.  That is an order.

Yes. I have gone retro on your asses.

 

Well, well.  It seems that all you nay-sayers were wrong!

All right, all right.  I don’t have enough readers to warrant a comment like that.  I think you buggers have clearly been lax in the act of spreading the word.

New writing will begin slowly, but I imagine things will pick up the pace, so watch this space.

Things are returning back to anything-but-normal.

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